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This is a Pimp [04 Jan 2011|11:10pm]

Ugot_mail : check your inbox !

By ifuseeknicky

You like receiving something in your inbox ? Great, then read on !

ifuseeknicky and yvonnereid are opening ugot_mail, a new community
where we all can exchange gifts and letters.
Come with us, we have cookies.

Before the games begin, we want to know what kind of things you would like to exchange.
We know money doesn't grow on trees so we’ll make sure the budget is fine by everyone.
Everybody is welcome.
Let’s all brainstorm !!!

ugot_mail ugot_mail ugot_mail
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Royal Mail reports record profit, lights a huge bonfire of letters in celebration [17 May 2005|05:48pm]

The postal company Royal Mail announced profits of £537 million today, confounding parcelfuckees worldwide. According to sources, all staff will receive a bonus of over £1,000; even the idiot who leaves your parcels in the puddle in front of your door when you're not in.

In an interview, chief executive Adam Crozier announced that he was giving himself "a fat wad of money," and that "there is nothing anyone can do to stop me." When posed a question regarding the uncomfortably large fraction of post items arriving at their destination with the faint smell of urine, Crozier responded: "I could buy everything in this room right now."

Following the interview, the chief executive stepped outside to receive the ceremonial torch that had been passed around the country by Royal Mail postal carriers for the past 24 hours. He then stepped up to the huge pile of mail that was due to be delivered in this period, and solemnly set light to it.


Royal Mail chairman Allan Leakage explained the source of the turnaround. "We identified the greatest cost to the company was the delivery of items from depot to the addressee. So we eliminated it."

"We dug large ditches in front of every depot in the country. Whenever a batch of mail arrives to be delivered, it is now transferred to the ditch for the addressee to find themselves. Or not. Technically, it's out of our hands at that point."

"From the recipient's point of view, Royal Mail delivery used to come down to two factors: how late the mail would be, and which ditch it would get dumped in. We've now completely eliminated any confusion on the second point. If we don't lose or destroy your mail, you'll find it in your local Depot Ditch."

Faster Delivery

When queried on the second factor, Allan Leakage cited the reduction in the amount of mail delivered more than two months late by 0.2% from 98.5%. "A whole bunch of letters came for the guy who lives right next door to one of our depots," said Leakage, regarding the improvement.

Future Improvements

The company plans to reduce costs even further in the coming year. "We will eventually migrate from local ditches around the country to one central ditch near London. Having all the country's mail dumped in one huge ditch will slash transport costs again," claimed Allan Leakage. When pressed as to the location of the ditch, Leakage responded: "Probably Barnet."
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Parcel Farce [13 May 2005|07:03pm]

A letter written to our local paper:

On 9th April I was sent a parcel, it was posted at Cromwell Road office in Stanmore, Winchester and went via Southampton sorting office, to me here in Paignton, Devon.

Or so it should have ...

Three weeks later and no parcel, so the sender fills in appropriate forms, but is told that although contents of said parcel were worth over £60 the most they can hope to receive back in compensation is £28!

I went to the parcel office in Paignton to see if it was perhaps sat on a shelf. I was informed that they 'could not look for it'! Why? The building is not vast - but I was informed that 'it is not as simple as that' Why Not? Why can't someone just take a peek to see if it is there?

Southampton parcel depot - same response - 'no manpower to look for a stray parcel'. For goodness sake it has to be somewhere. Going with the premise that some scally has not stolen it, it is either in Stanmore, Southampton, in a van, or in Paignton. I even offered to look for it myself! It has not disappeared into another realm.

We were actually told when we phoned customer services that 1st class for parcels was not reliable or recommended. What?! Why accept it at the post office?! WHY CAN YOU NOT ACTUALLY ENTRUST A PARCEL TO ROYAL MAIL FOR SAFE DELIVERY? Is it really asking too much?

I wonder how many other people have lost items in the post only to be dismissed and fobbed off like we have been. No one actually cares. It might only be one parcel, for one person, not of vast importance in the big scheme of things - but it is so indicative of a faceless bureaucratic system which is only interested in money and profits and sods the man on the street.

I just want my parcel. If someone reading this works for the Royal Mail in the aforementioned places, if you could just take a peek ...

Yours sincerely,
Debbi Da'Silva
Paignton, Devon

Maybe Royal Mail are competing with Parcel Force to see who can annoy the most people ...
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Arselforce are great [10 May 2005|12:54pm]

[ mood | bitchy ]

They can't deliver exam papers either
Link courtesy of byrnsey_b

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six top tips to avoid being parcelfucked [09 May 2005|03:09pm]

  1. Dial the customer services line as soon as your parcel leaves it's origin. Your call get through to a human being around the time the parcel is two weeks late.
  2. Invest in a large neon-lit sign which says "THIS ONE, IDIOT" to place above your door.
  3. Prevent "accidental" damage to your package by encasing it in concrete.
  4. Consider setting spike strips to bring that van down as it attempts to speed past your house.
  5. If you do manage to receive your parcel, take the driver too. A hostage will speed the delivery of your next parcel.
  6. To marginally improve your chances of being found, park a caravan by the front entrance of your local delivery depot and live there.
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[05 May 2005|08:56am]

[ mood | angry ]

Fucking Arselforce - I HATE them!!! The reason Donna's monitor didn't come was that they couldn't find our flat, despite having the postcode. They're a sodding delivery company goddamit! Donna found this out on the website once it was actually working again, after two days of not working. So still no monitor. I phoned after 8 this morning thinking the call centre would be open then, went through choosing options, call activated stupid stuff and then they said the call centre would be open at 8.30 so I thought ok, I'll call back then. Called at 8.35, same thing - oh the call centre isn't open, we open at 8.30 - hello, it's 8.35!! Tried at 8.45 - still not open! I have better things to do than sit and go through all this ten times - I have to do stupid voice recognition and it's probably costing a fortune. Nothing can be done about it via the website and by the time I do manage to get through (if I ever do - by which time I'll have wasted lots of studying time, which I can't afford to do right now) the deliveries will have gone out and we'll have to wait another crapping day for it.

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vote crotch-kicking democrat party [04 May 2005|06:15pm]

FREE UK ELECTION OPPORTUNITY! I will vote tomorrow for anyone who promises to drag that lazy fucker who works for parcelforce (since there is clearly only one covering the entire country) out of the break room that his skin has presumably fused to by now, and into the lorry which contains the dusty, crumbling remains of my latest package.

I will double-vote (yes, I can actually) for any party which allows me five minutes crotch-kicking time with the dipshit after delivery.

The latest update is that they can't locate my address. I suppose I am partially to blame really, since I do live a good fifth of a kilometre from the dead fucking centre of Belfast. It's funny how this huge distance affects things. For example, I'm actually in a different time zone on this side of town. It's true: after I had finally fought my way through the parcelforce automated phone system gauntlet, the patronising Voice informed me that their call centre hours are 8am to 6:30pm, and that they were therefore now closed. But in mytime zone, it was still only 6:10pm.

Anyway, pulling 22hours of sleep per day must have really addled Parcelforce Employee's mind, because he has managed to find my flat before. Yes, I clearly remember the one time he was only four days late with a package. And that other time when I received a package that hadn't been thrown heavily against the wall a couple of dozen times before being handed to me.

No, wait, that one was only a beautiful dream.
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